It's always the same old boring "boy meets girl", "girl meets boy", "boy meets boy", "boy meets farm animal" "I'm unhappy" "I'm angry" "I'm in love" "I want to slit my wrists" "let's all become immensely intoxicated and be festive" blah blah blah blah... not in Iced Ink. Here are the little things in life that triggered the tunes on our CD "There's A Bee In Here". They'll either help you relate to the songs, or better yet, leave you even more clueless and confused than when you started out.
1. Stupidface 4.0
11:45pm Dug the remote out from between the cushions of recliner and turned TV off, went to bed 12:23am Got out of bed, grabbed bowl of cereal, turned TV on and watched infomercials 12:46am Still watching infomercials & wondering why 1:05am Fished remote control out from between the cushions of recliner and turned TV off, went to bed 1:45am Got out of bed, turned TV back on, watched last half of "Walker, Texas Ranger" and first half of "Three's Company" reruns 2:18am Fast asleep on recliner with remote in hand 5:45am Alarm clock goes off in bedroom, still fast asleep on recliner with remote in hand 8:05am Begin 10 hour workday which will be spent sitting in grey cubicle with a bad case of Stupidface
2. Duddyfunk
Title found in "Mrs. Byrne's Dictionary" means "A pie made of beef, lamb, venison, salt pork and ground cloves." Yuck.
3. La Chica
The mind boggling image we often see of a hideous rock star walking the red carpet arm in arm with a beautiful girl. Had it not been for rock and roll, he would probably be walking the aisles of Wal Mart with a not so beautiful girl buying generic Pampers for kid #4 and frozen dinners.
4. There's a Bee In Here
(see liner notes in CD)
5. Spin Cycle
She was a lonely housewife who suddenly found herself strangely attracted to the washing machine.
6. When Todd Gets Mad
A group of us were all standing at a party back in 1995. Todd, who had not spoken a word for a good 10 minutes, turned around, did his trademark growl, and punched a hole in the wall.
7. Los Vapores de Rambo
Inspired by each and every scene in the "Rambo" films where our beloved John Rambo's body is draped in bloody, tattered clothing, drenched in sweat with that crooked mouth wide open and yelling while spraying bullets at the bad guys with his machine gun.
8. Anorexiporn
There are some email attachments that you just don't want to see.
9. Buy Me Toys
Just you keep trying to have the latest and greatest doodad - a week later, something better, cheaper, and faster will come out. The title was lifted from Kevin Smith masterpiece "Mallrats" (filmed in Minnesota's very own Eden Prarie Mall)
10. The World According to a Drunken Trendy Asshole
"She Might Be A Spy" once played a show where some monstrosity walked out of the Men's room (after washing his hands, I'm sure) and past the stage while the band was playing. In passing, he yelled "You guys blow more than trumpets!" This one's for people like him that make it all worth it.
11. McFranco
McFuck yeah!
"There's A Bee In Here" used to be readily available for purchase at shows and on CDBABY.com, but is no longer. Bitch sold out and is out of print. Hey, that's what you get for waiting too long - the late bird doesn't have many worms to choose from. It is on iTunes, however for 99 scents a song.
Songs not yet recorded
Although most of these will likely be on our second CD, only way to currently witness them is by being a wonderful person and attending our shows.
I Feel Good, I Feel Great, I Feel Wonderful
Everyone knows, works with, is related to, or just is someone who likes to piss and moan all the time. They don't realize that there's starving people in China, and that things could be much worse than the cat throwing up on the carpet or being out of toilet paper.
Secret Asian Man
Title is a tip of the hat to the Devo song Secret Asian Man. For lack of better explanation, Secret Asian Man is an imaginary character who is a cross between Charlie Chan, James Bond, and Frank Drebin (Leslie Neilson in the Naked Gun films).
Quagmire
A honkey-ass progressive pseudo-reggae tune written for a great drummer named John Seals, the first drummer Mike played with way back when he started writing Iced Ink music. John was the first (but not last) unfortunate drummer to be exposed to the song "There's A Bee In Here". If you've never met John, he's a great guy whose personality bears an uncanny resemblance to that of Jeff Bridges' character in "The Big Lebowski".
The Dude abides.
Steve Buscemi Overture
Providing that your reading comprehension skills are up to snuff, you probably realize that this song was written for one of Iced Ink guitarist Mike's favorite actors, Steve Buscemi. This song was originally entitled "Desperately Seeking Enid" - Enid is a character in the film Ghost World who Mike developed an immense childhood-like crush on when he first saw the film (the crush has since disappated). Upon the song's completion, it sounded more like something that resembled Steve Buscemi's body of work more than Enid's body... not to mention the final song title is way more bitchin' than the other one.
Weird Beard Rides Again
Weird Beard is a true life story of a smelly man with a scruffy unkempt beard who got off the bus and visited a coffee shop every day as part of his obsessive compulsive daily routine. He drank iced tea and read the paper. Every day. He is a very creepy man who scared women and children alike with his foul stench alone. One fine day he had an accident in the restroom which resulted in his poop being smeared on the bathroom walls. He was banned from the shop because of this and disappeared for a month and after that, he returned. He never entered the store though - instead, he'd get off the bus and walk around outside on the sidewalk for 45 mintues and then get back on the bus.
Theme From the Ritardo Montalban Show
What if Ricardo Montalban was mentally challenged and had a talk show? And what if every night after his monologue he recycled his famous line from Fantasy Island: "I am Mr. Roarke and I am your host. Smiles, everyone... Smiles!"
Bump
For Lois and Jamie's cat named "Bump", because that's what his specialty was.. trotting into the room and konking his noggin on your shins as his way of saying "Hey man, how's it goin?!"
I've Misplaced Myself
There is such thing as too much of a good thing.
T. Baskasauss & The Badass Tricycle of Death
T. Baska is a musclehead greaser cartoon character who wears shades, blue jeans, and a leather jacket (imagine John Trivolta in "Grease", only dumber). He has a pompadour that makes his head 6" taller than it actually is, a huge chin, and rides a tricycle. Not just any tricycle - but the Badass Tricycle of Death. There is a part 2 to this song called "Requiem for an Unmanned Spy Tricycle" which will maybe see the light of day if the band gets bored enough.
E. 43rd Street Ghost Riders
What happens on 43rd Street at 3am stays on 43rd Street.
Pedomorphic Disclosure of an Ambiguous Correspondance
Dedicated to anyone who's been busted due to not signing out of their email account. There are no perfect crimes...
The Pachina Monologues
Originally called "My Vagina Has a First Name", a slight re-wording of the Oscar Meyer jingle.
Q: How many times can the word "vagina" be used in a play?
A: Several hundred.
This is What the Fuck Robster Craws Are
If you are not familiar with the following dialogue and these characters, you really should be ashamed of yourself.
Takashi: "Maybe we should serve robster craws."
Booger: "Robster craws?? What the fuck are robster craws?"